My Love for Putri

She has Lymphoma. She is sick. And for better or for worse, I love her. She would hate to hear that, but I feel like I have no choice except to be with her because I love her too much to go away. I want her, and I can't want other people for now. I tried it with Tuga. I tried to have something with her but all I could think about was the woman that doesn't have a nationality, last name or a birth date. Thinking about it, everything seems so absurd. But I'd do anything to make us work.

Everything started when she DMed me on Twitter. That sounds so dumb, but that's exactly how it started. We had interacted a couple of times in different posts, but we had never talked. She was just there and decided to rant about Westallens being annoying on Twitter. I listened and answered the same way she started the conversation: as if we were friends already. The talk was great and slowly we began to talk more. After a couple of days I decided to take a break from twitter and I asked if she had an instagram account that she could use to talk to me. She did, and we began texting there. Her profile pic was perfect... god, I hate myself for writing that down because it all seems so superficial and dumb, but I really love this woman, even if what I'm essencially trying to explain is the concept of "love at first profile picture".

I'm such a dumbass. 

But I really loved the pic and I decided to flirt. And when she responded to it, it was the best thing ever. We got to a point where we went a bit too far, but we both loved it. And that's when I notice that this could be easily turned into sexting. And that's what I said to her. She said that because she was much older than me, she was feeling weird about it. I told her she had my consent, but that I didn't want to ruin what we had. She said she felt the same. That meant this was only fun. And it was great, at least for me.

Y'know, since then I couldn't get her out of my head. And I have had sexting with some other people. João, he was portuguese, Alexa, she was Argentinian, Ryann, she was Canadian and Inês, she was also portuguese. All of them were interesting and honest. In no moment I felt disinterest, I just gave them the answers they wanted and they went far with their imagination and fetishes. All of them were amazing, equally good. But with Putri, it was spiritual. I believe it was the fact that she asked me what I liked, what I needed. But I also didn't relax until she told me what she liked and needed. I believe that, even though it was great with other people, with Putri it was a type of communication, like speaking another language.

Since then, we flirted a lot. 

Considering our first conversations were about the Supergirl fandom on twitter and about sexting, it's safe to assume that we would cling to these subjects as the base of our friendship, right? But it wasn't like that. We are both not active on twitter at the moment and Putri is hospitalized. We don't talk about the fandom and we don't sext, at least not now. But we have already found some other common interests. She sends me recipes because she knows I like to cook and I always send pictures of them after I finish. She asks how it tastes, I annoy her calling myself wife material. I talk about my books, she talks about her depression and physical pain. We always end up talking about our pasts, beliefs and traumas. When I talk about my sex experiences, she finds it amusing. And everytime she sends me a voice message, I freak out because her voice is so perfect. She talks about her relationships, her exes, I talk about my family. She says I'm happy, and little does she know about how depressed I was for so long, although I always tell her the truth in that moment, I never lie. I explained to her that my contradictions come from confusion and not insincerity. But the same way that she fears being a burden with the Lymphoma, I fear being a burden about not being a complete adult.

Once, she told me that she simply couldn't date a 21 year old because even though the age gap itself is not what scares her (17 years) me being 21 does. Dating someone older when you're 30 is ok, but dating someone older when you're 21 is practically letting someone abuse you. And the worst part is that I agree. I wish I was more mature and had a real job, but I'm simply too dependent on my parents. And I feel bad about that.

But it's not like we are totally imbalanced. Being depressed and sick makes her vulnerable too, it makes her dependent, it makes her feel like she doesn't deserve me, like I feel I don't deserve her. She sees me as a sweet and happy girl. And well, I guess I am like that now. And it's weird, I have to say. Being happy in this political moment seems so selfish, but I don't feel anything except constant happiness since the beginning of the year. I don't know exactly what happened. It could be the vitamins but it could also be anything else. Since then, I barely cry and when I do there's a reason for it. My anger is easily manageable. When I cry, I don't remember 20 different reasons to cry about, my positive thoughts simply interrupt the negative ones and I begin to calm myself and breathe. I like running and reading, and throughout the day, I don't suddenly feel melancholic. When I'm in a social situation, I'm fun and I listen to people. My heart, which used to beat so fast at 2am, is now calm. My anxiety about being productive simply does not exist anymore. And even though I think it's the vitamins, sometimes I wonder if the cure to my anxiety and depression was accepting the climate apocalypse and the very possible anti-capitalist revolution. Nothing else scares me. I sleep calmly, I wake up when I want to, I hug my friends and cousins, I talk to my friends on the internet, I run everyday and I cry when I feel sad like I did today, when Putri said she had Lymphoma.