MEU CU

This one is hopefully going to be a short essay, because I don't want to ruminate on things if ruminated on all my fucking life. I've been through so much shit with dieting, and honestly I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my body, and after the uterus removal, my belly straight up emptied like a balloon was under it.  I tried so many diets, including the intuitive eating stuff. It was so so hard that I started adapting it. Now, I'm partially intuitive, partially planned. I have to admit that that I'm also going through a bit of gender dysphoria with my breasts. I know that I've always had dysphoria with it, but lately, I've been feeling it even more. Not sure why, but I have a theory it has to do with getting rid of my uterus. For a while, I thought my discomfort with my uterus/periods was normal and a matter of accepting I was a woman. It's a feeling that, to be fair, many women go through, but I was especially comfortable with getting rid of it. I was e...

 I feel like my biggest problem right now is that I need a best friend stat. I need someone who's willing to watch nerdy shows with me, and that enjoys my political rants and rumblings. I need someone to take care of my cats when I'm in Brasília. I need someone that understands that I'm healing and that I don't want more problems. I wish I had someone that just knew me already. My mom came over for two weeks, it was a great time. I slept better because I didn't walk the cats (and because my mom woke up in the middle of the night to feed those dumbasses before I did). My mom made me food and it was just so good to not think about that, even though the food we ordered was expensive as fuck. She bought me the stuff I didn't have the guts to buy (I'm genuinely afraid of spending money now and I have to fucking stop doing that). She made me realize that everything I do is more fun with another person there. I really loved the time she spent here. I also felt the ...

It's universally known that health issues can humble the proudest of people, even those who don't even need any more humbling. Dare I say, especially those who have suffered the most are often the sickest among us. I don't think that's my case, although I have been going through it with my mental health in the last 10 years. It hasn't been easy, but I persist, and I dream and I try new things even though they're so uncomfortable.  This year was especially hard. I have been going through it with chronic pain, weight fluctuations, hair loss, depression, loneliness and very important life decisions. On top of it, I had to fight tooth and nail for a necessary surgery: my hysterectomy. It was hard, but I did it. Obviously, I didn't do a lot this year except take care of my health. The things I did had mostly to do with surviving and scratching itches . I went out a lot with different people from bumble BFF. The experiences were definitely not all positive, but I...

 Hello, hi. I'm extremely depressed. But I have to keep going.  Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and ovary tortion. A week before, I was diagnosed with PCOS. And now, my pain increases every day. I don't realy understand what exactly is going on inside my body at the moment, but I sure as fuck don't like it. At the same time that I have symptoms of menopause (I'm not joking), I also have weird hormonal symptoms. Some days, I feel normal and some days I feel like I was hit by a truck. The thing is that isn't a new feeling for me. Before I started taking sertraline, I also had these symptoms. They would make me extremely tired for a week, and then the next three days were happy and productive (probably an uptick in estrogen and dopamine). I never noticed that my big lower belly was more than a genetic tendency either. I thought I was just fat and lazy and depressed. Nothing more to it. Eventually I took the depression, anxiety, autism and trauma more ...

- Escovar mais os dentes - Comprar uma cama de verdade - Comprar travesseiros e almofadas - Passar em Medicina - Fazer a faculdade de Medicina - Mosaicos - Já ter vendido meus livros - Ficar musculosa - Nunca mentir pra ela. Nem por bobagem. Nunca mesmo. - Ser uma pessoa boa - Ter um cabelo longo (ela tem trauma de quando eu cortei o cabelo e eu também) - Contar pra ela que tive pensamentos suicidas - Ter um gato (eu tenho) - Ter dinheiro (eu tenho, mas mais dinheiro) - Tirar o útero e tirar os peitos antes e parar de suar antes

Se tem uma coisa que eu sofro cronicamente é com tédio e com gente. Tédio é a pedra no meu sapato: não importa o quanto eu me distraio, ele está lá. Se eu ando, ele me perturba. E quando eu durmo (vamos imaginar que eu durmo de sapato) ele vira de um lado pro outro. Já seres humanos me perturbam porque eles são meio burrinhos. Sem ofensa. Não me sinto superior por ser mais inteligente que a maioria das pessoas. Na verdade, me sinto inferior por isso. O problema é que eu sou uma pessoa que tem muitos problemas na cabeça. Não sei se isso tem a ver com ser inteligente, talvez. Mas eu tenho tédio crônico, desprezo por outras pessoas, preguiça intensa de tentar fazer coisas que não são perfeitas, falta de esperança e tendência à auto decepção.  Com a tendência a auto decepção, eu já acreditei que eu poderia ser branca. No sentido de... mudar meu próprio rosto, meus genes, meu corpo, com o poder da mente.  Em 2014, eu me convenci de que eu e Maria Clara iríamos namorar quando ela ti...

This week has been going so well. I'm on day 3 of working and it was not as stressful as I thought it would be. I was expecting a lot of fighting between teachers, and teaching classes right away. It seems like they really like training people there because this is very chill. I'm glad I was hired, I was right about this being the perfect job for autistics. Not only did they teach me the same thing a hundred times (which I'm very pleased about), but they also made me give classes on a whim! Just to practice. I loved it. I'm really excited to give classes like they do. My mom also hired my brother so he can drive me to work. He promised he would be punctual, so that's a positive. Arthur also offered me a ride on Saturdays, so I won't have to depend on Ubers. Amen.  I'm very glad.

I just read my last draft (it wasn't even posted) from July 2023, it is now April 2025. That last draft really took me to another point in my personal history. It was just 2 years ago but it feels like I was another person. I was just losing weight due to a crazy diet and I was hopeful that Sertraline would fix me or help me fix myself faster than it was possible. That draft was about my new job at a Language School that I went to as a kid and then hired as an adult. It was truly really nice to work there. But I was incorrect about it being the perfect job for autistics. The reason I thought it was the perfect job for me was because they repeated the same thing a bunch of times, and I didn't realize that the reason was because I had no classes to give. It ended up being a very short lived internship about how to teach. Although I lasted one month there, it was good for my career. Right after I was fired, I tried to absorb everything as fast as I could. I didn't want baggage...