Fighting

It’s insane how every time I show an ounce of frustration, anger, or sadness, she thinks I'm actually feeling those things towards her. I’m not. She really thinks she is the whole reason I feel any feelings and the only one that can cause them. And she is completely wrong, and that’s really the reason why she is so angry about this. Because she is finding out she isn’t my sun when in reality, I am my own sun, and I think that that is okay and healthy.

But no, every time she finds out I’m my priority and she isn't, she gets mad. As if I owed her something. I know what I do want to give her: love, 90% of my awake time, cuddles, sex, talks, and being there for her every time she needs something. This is what I wanna give to her, but she doesn’t want that, no. She wants to be my top priority, even before myself, and the only thing I think about. Sorry, you are not. And this is not because I don’t love you, but because you are so fucking pushy. I can’t stand that shit anymore. Every single fight is the same thing. And I’m fucking tired of it.

The things I want you to be are my life mate, my partner for life, my wife, my girlfriend, my best friend, and the mother of my children. But that’s not enough, apparently, you have to be my life, and when I try to correct you, I’m lying, I’m wrong, you have a better take on my feelings, etc etc etc.

Sorry but no.

I know what I feel. I know how I am. You don’t know me better than I know myself.

I’m really fucking mad right now. Like, really fucking mad.

I don’t wanna talk to her ever again lmao. I want to throw my phone off a fucking window and never receive any texts from her again. Especially tomorrow when she will say “I didn’t sleep” and will somehow make me feel guilty for her not being able to fucking sleep.

Stop. Fucking stop. Stop.

Stop feeling so fucking jealous all the time. Why are you like this? Why the fuck are you like this?

Deal with your own shit. Deal with your own feelings. Fix your own shit.

I am not responsible for your stuff. Especially when I had nothing to do with causing them? Get some friends. Talk to them. Work. Live. LMAO

It’s just so funny to have a girlfriend that doesn’t have a life except being with you. It’s like she doesn’t respect herself enough to try and do something. All she wants to do has to do with you. And when you have feelings that have nothing to do with her, she gets frustrated she isn’t the sole reason you’re alive. She wants me to depend on her so bad that if this ends, I feel miserable. She wants me to suffer. And acts like a fucking victim every time we have a discussion. And she wasn’t even the target of my anger.

But now she is! She definitely is the target of my anger. I can say that with certainty. 

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Too good.

Now I will have to pick apart what actually happened, reread her messages, try to understand what she is trying to convey (because she doesn’t know how to be direct and doesn’t want to try), write a short essay on what happened during the fight and try not to feel literally anything, or else she will think I hate her. So, I always have to take care of my words, and what ideas she thinks I'm conveying (that I’m actually not) and write a concise narrative, while also being the bigger person. The fight will last at least 2 hours, so I will take a short shower, dress up with comfy clothes, tidy up my room, get my water, lie in bed, write my essay, and hope the fight doesn’t last the whole night and pray that she doesn’t turn herself into a victim (which is inevitable).