New Era

There have been two moments in my life where I recovered from burnout and then came back to school only to feel empty and fail. But, although it is embarassing to fail, I noticed something too important to ignore for longer. I was going against my nature. I needed to have the balls to change everything. I've been afraid of what my life would look like if I did what I wanted. I've been afraid of the social consequences. And, as an autist, I know there will be many. 

But my life is not going to fly by me anymore.

I'm going to reach my full potential. And, of course, there are a thousand different paths I could walk through.

You know, for a couple of years I've been testing this belief of mine. That I should do whatever I want and not be afraid of the consequences. There's something magical to this belief, and I want to test its limits. See if, at one point, I'm going to regret my decisions or if I'll continue to love the consequences of my desires even if it means chaos.

I have now fought my basic demons. I've just started. 

My life is beginning, essentially.

I've woken up.

Three institutions have been conquered: family, church, and school. And I'll continue to conquer. I don't have any regrets yet. All I wish I had done differently is: do what I wanted to do at the time, faster, with more intensity, and respectfully.

Now, I need to find a craft. 

I've just watched a video of David Goggins. He talks about how you should follow your fears. Which encompasses what I believe in, sorta. He talks about human potential and how you can accomplish anything by doing it. 

I want to find a career. Not a making-money career, but something I could never have thought about before, something big. I want to understand people, in some way. I want to watch their minds. I want people to not feel lost, I want them to face and accept themselves.

I feel silly writing all this because all I feel for myself is fear.

I wish I was so many things, but it seems like everything is so out of my reality.

I dont even know if I should just pick something and go with it, or if I should not make that decision at all.

I firmly believe that I should just do whatever the fuck I want, but I've got nothing on me.

I believe that people get lost when they don't listen to themselves. And well, I've been ignoring that part of my life like the plague. I'm not sure why, I'm afraid I've been avoiding it for too long. So, I'm gonna make a list of things I want to do in my life:

polyamory

found family

parenting kids

being an inspiring person/being around inspiring people

resistance against oppression/conformism

being able to do impressive things with my body

being extremely determined and methodic

care for people and make them find a way to self-realization

live in Italy

write books

have a big house

never stop finding new exciting things to learn and experience

As you can see, nothing in this list will provide any money. But there's something so much better than money... No one can buy the thrill that comes with doing exactly what you want and how you want it. Even if they bargain with the devil himself. 

So, one thing in that list is writing. And I want to write. I've been wanting to write a lesbian romance since I was 16 or so. And I will start writing that shit. It will probably be the worst book ever written, especially since I'm not a writer. But I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna do it well.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna write here. No one is reading this shit anyway. Besides, it's a great way to keep a diary that isn't about what you've eaten today.