Are you autistic or just socially stunted?

Are you autistic, socially stunted, neglected or all of the above?

In the last two years, my therapist has been calling my students my "patients", sometimes accidentally and sometimes as banter. At first, I laughed it off, until my mom started saying I act as more of a friend or a therapist to my students than an actual teacher. I explained that half of what I do is giving them the confidence that they can learn and that they will do it well if they persist. I talk to my students about perfectionism being as much of an obstacle as a big ego, and that both can stunt your progress. Many of them have opened up about their personal lives, about how they feel towards their jobs, spouses, children... They feel safe sharing, and sometimes oversharing. And they feel alone, because they are alone.

I started working as a teacher in 2023, but it wasn't the first time I saw myself in this spot of therapist. I have been my friends' therapist since I decided to take my own healing seriously as a teenager. I was listening to them carefully, empathizing, having visions of me living as they live, feeling what they feel, and giving advice carefully, kindly, with an open mind. I saw how alone they felt in their struggles. In my little mind simulations, I felt utterly alone in their shoes. So I put in the work to understand people in depth. I read psychology books, learned to interpret scientific papers and tested what I found again and again, in myself first, and in others as a tip or an idea.

My reading took me to studying various disorders, mainly autism. I related to those symptoms, I related to that history, and I read as much as I could from actual autistics about their own experiences, partially because I wanted to understand myself and the weird people I always seemed to attract and felt attracted to/by.

Since that happened, I've talked to two friends about their own autistic traits. They seemed to suffer more than me, and since both of them felt the need to be validated, they got the evaluation done. Both were, in fact, autistic. And although I was very happy with the news that I was right (aren't we all a bit self-centered sometimes?), I was also thinking about their life stories.

My first friend, who I won't name, was emotionally abused by her mom, neglected socially, anxious (severely anxious), and her younger brother got all of the money and attention she never had. She was often put on cleaning duty in her house while her dear dad and brother did nothing. She became the family's Cinderella, and I was so mad at her mom for doing this to her, I couldn't help but express it. My friend was defensive and told me she loved her mom, infering I shouldn't talk about her. I got the message that I shouldn't criticize her mom too much, to not hurt my friend's feelings. But the abuse continued. Eventually, we stopped being friends for no apparent reason (on my side). But her story reverberates in my head, still.

My second friend, a more recent friendship, was evaluated after I paid for it. She was broke and even though she is only 23, her dad has always said he is "very worried" about her future, because she "isn't hard-working enough". Just to make things abundantly clear, my friend takes notes on what people tell her and reads them again to herself in the bathroom, to not forget any relevant information. And even though her hypothyroidism has been beating her ass, she still goes to work by bus, does her 8 hours and comes back to study, because she has college on the weekends. My friend is more hard-working than her dad and most people I know. 

Both of these friends grew up very lonely, with few friends themselves. Frequently losing short-lived connections with no clear reason as to why it was a common occurence. They felt bad about their appearances, their intelligence, their personalities. Everything seemed to be the problem. "People just notice I'm weird, and a bad person and eventually, they all leave" they would say.

My story is a bit more complicated than that. I was less neglected socially than my "fun" friends (it's how I called my autistic friends before I knew what autism was). I had an older sister that taught me to be polite, smart, and cut-throat, like she is. And although the mormon church was a place of a lot of trauma for me, I also had the opportunity to compare the world with the church: the social expectations changing in real time, the right word inside of the church being the wrong word outside; I was forced to observe the social nuances of the places I entered. I also had close contact with my younger cousins, whom I taught about the world. In sum, although I relate to autism, and do wonder if I should get my own evaluation done, I'm usually less socially stunted than most autistics, and this got me wondering about social neglect and social rejection as a marginalization tool.

The common past of a socially stunted person

1. Immature parents 

Many socially stunted people have parents who were not loving, not caring, avoidant and not emotionally present. When the child needed guidance, they offered nothing, or shitty advice. When the child needed love, they offered nothing or a call-out instead. When the child needed to be called out, they laughed at them, or scolded them too severely. In general, socially stunted kids are usually raised by socially stunted parents.

2. No stable long-term friendships as a child 

Being an only child, as well as being homeschooled are common memetic images of an awkward kid: self-centered, righteous and close-minded. I don't think that's true, or rather, I think these aspects are too simplistic to judge a person by in isolation. Many only children and homeschooled children had cousins around, neighborhood kids in their house, extracurricular classes from a young age that kept them socially sharp. As much as I hated the church, I've had childhood friends there since I was a baby. As much as having siblings and cousins could be shitty, I also had to learn to control my emotions, comfort people, entertain others and judge less in order to keep the friendship comfortable for them -- and for me. Additionally, the fact that it was long term and we were forced to see each other the next day, made conflict resolution inevitable. Calling each other out was the only way to solve problems, because we couldn't leave! Now, if you didn't have that, you probably never learned to share food and toys, you saw yourself playing on your own more, and the only fighting going on was from top to bottom: your parents vs you, and they always won. 

3. School friends saw them as replaceable

Now, if you don't have experience with people outside of school, because your parents are distant, and you don't have siblings or friends, and there isn't a community you go to -- What happens? You're already socially stunted and people around you at school might avoid you. Not because you're dumb, or ugly, or not cool. But because you offended someone, or because you only like to hear your own voice, because you are aggressive towards other people's points of view, because, maybe, you never learned to be a good friend.

However, there's a caveat here. Some kids ARE evil, some kids are bullies, and some kids do care if you're not cool, not pretty, or not clever. But when you're trying to talk to everybody, and nobody gives you the time of the day, you're either marginalized or a bad friend, or both. (After all, marginalized people are often socially stunted against their will).

Remember, please, that even the kid who is a bad friend due to neglect shouldn't be chastised for not knowing how to be a good friend -- my point here is bigger than putting the blame on a neglected kid. The point is the lack of third spaces, the distance between neighbors, the increasing hours at work, the money being so tight, that parents can't pay for the kid to have extracurricular classes. Parents are so burnt out they can't be there emotionally even if they try. There is also a point to be made about people who want to have more than one children not being able to, due to lack of support and money. The problem here is that many children born in the 1990s, 2000s, and 2010s grew up confused as to why everybody seems to figure friendships and relationships out and they can't.

You already know that I've been helping friends through this journey. Most of them got a little better, felt a little more daring to make new friends, set boundaries, break up with their shitty partners, fight their parents, stand up for themselves, and feel stronger now that they have connections outside of work, school or their immediate family. But I'd like to share in detail how this process was for me, too.

I had to do it by myself, with the resources I had. It was 2013 when I had my first phone that could access YouTube. It was a Galaxy 3S mini, I loved that fucking phone. At that time, I wasn't aware I was a bad friend, I always had one BFF and that was enough for me. When she wasn't there anymore, I would jump to the next, not seeing a pattern yet, but going with my natural lesbian flow of intense friendships that mimicked my growing desire for romance.

When I was a tween, I had a falling out with my BFF. She was hurt about something I had done. I was defensive, and, without thinking, I tried to prove to her I was a good friend and ended up giving the impression I was sacrificing myself when it was actually my pleasure. She didn't give me the "you're a bad friend" feedback because most people are never that direct. I had to digest it for years to get the message that I was just a cunt to her, and that's why she wanted distance. 

After the falling out, I wondered "why is it hurting so much?" I had to think about how close I wanted to be with her and if that was natural. I had to consider if those feelings were totally new or just a more intense version of previous girl crushes. I was 13 and I had realized I was a lesbian, but not yet fully realized that I lost her because I was a bad friend.

Right when I was going through that drama, I had made another friend, she knew all about my crush and she was not homophobic at all (which surprised me). She listened to my monologues and rants. I loved to hear the sound of my own voice constantly and never ask my friend for anything back, just acting like she was my royal counselors, hired to listen and occasionally give me advice. I was mean to her, I called her ugly! I called her untalented. I was a fucking bitch.

This friend eventually said that her therapist didn't like how I was treating her and said that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I understood what I had done, I apologized, but it was too late. She just didn't want to be my friend anymore. 

I was still going through my lesbian acceptance journey (that I'm embarrassed to admit, it took about 5 years to be completed), but being rejected cut deep, and I was under the impression I was being rejected because there was something inherently wrong with me, something people noticed, something I couldn't fully hide. The internalized homophobia didn't help, because it felt like all of my relationships were doomed because I was some sort of pervert, a broken pervert at that.

In an attempt to be better, I read lots of philosophy books. At first, many of the conservatives, of course, because I couldn't bare to change my views too radically. Descartes, Kant, and finally, Aristotle. He made me think about virtues in a way that has never left my brain. Til this day, I'm thinking "I'm being kind but am I being too kind? Is there a perfect way to hit a balanced way to want to be respected without it becoming an ego problem? Can I strike a balance between not wanting to be a perpetrator but not letting myself be a victim?". In general, Aristotle made me think of my faults and my strengths in a neutral manner, not so deeply attached to my traumas, but as a way to develop. Suddenly, I wasn't stuck in my shittiness, I felt free to grow. 

Then I made a Facebook account and started being intrigued by all the feminist stuff going around at the time. I particularly liked the posts where women were sharing their past stories with men (it was relatable to me, since I was a victim of sexual abuse at a very young age). While most of my friends were posting pictures of them with their friends (Instagram wasn't yet super famous) I was posting memes and dumb shit, as well as pictures of food, sharing my friends stuff and stalking them in general. I didn't realize this was awkward to do, until people started making fun of me. I was quick to delete Facebook so I started watching more YouTube videos. Lots of videos about "how to know if you're a lesbian", lots of coming out videos, lots of videos about trans people. I subscribed to the idea that I had to listen to all sides first and to figure out my own opinion later. At first, I followed many terfs, and then I realized the terfs were definitely wrong when I was like 17. I took my sweet time to finally unsubscribe to all of the them, and I realized that transmedicalists had a very similar rhetoric as the terves I once watched, so, as an experiment, I followed the people that everyone seemed to make fun of (Riley J Denis, and Ash Hardell) and all the sweet ones that were accepting of everybody (Jammi Dodger) and decided to do that in all aspects of my politics. If the "extreme" and "too accepting" were dangerous, I would see red flags, just like I noticed them with the terfs. So I finally gave them the time of day. I unsubscribed to the creationists, the mormons, the conservatives, the trans medicalists, the lesbians that had imaginary beef with trans women, the apologists in general. And I waited... For sure the extremists would show their true colors right? Their hate towards me? For sure they were irrational, and unscientific, and living in a world of sunshine and rainbows that our dirty awful world could never become... right?

Not really. No red flags. They were actually extremely kind to conservatives that said the most vitriolic shit about them. They made me think in ways I never thought before, I was shocked by their strength, and their willingness to believe that the world could be better, that people could be better. I was so impressed at how well read they were in comparison to conservatives, and how they never seemed to rely on "normalcy" and "common sense" as an argument. Instead they used logic that was clear, they used history. So they are... the rational ones? My world was put upside down. I knew I had to be braver, I needed to be more like them. I needed to come out, and to read more, and to change myself to be a real leftist, not a christian posing as a leftist online.

As I said, it took years. And I'm embarrassed by how long it took til this day. I had to wait for my brain to take information I wasn't ready to absorb, my mental health was in shambles because all week I'd watch amazing rational people talking about Philosophy and science and politics with such knowledge and then go to Mormon Church to hear the most homophobic and transphobic shit under the guise of "family values" as if christianity wasn't separating gay kids from their parents.

I had a war going on inside me. I wanted to come out, but I still believed in the Mormon God, I hoped my parents could help me and instead they shoved me back into the closet. But I came out again and again, even though the threat of being kicked out was looming over me. My brother semi rejected me, my sister was the worst of them all, and I was left with my little cousin who is the straightest, least homophobic mormon bimbo you've ever met.

I finally decided to put a stop to that madness at 18 years old. I knew I had to leave the church, and I didn't want to leave while my name was kept in the books, just for them to stalk me wherever I go, and count me in as one the members when I'm fucking not. So I talked to a pro-bono lawyer online to take away my name from the books officially. Of course, according to the Mormon bureaucracy, the report had to be signed by my stake president, and the lawyer explained I didn't have to ask it myself, he would do it. The problem is that the president was besties with my dad, who was his counselor. I remember feeling my heart beat so fast every single time I remembered what I had done, wondering when my dad would finally find out. When he did, three months later, I was obviously screamed at, scolded, told I was going to hell, that I embarrassed him, that he would lose his opportunity to be bishop, all because of me. Thank God, that little rant of his came on a good day for me, I was waiting for it. I was prepared. I wondered if my grandma would take me in if dad kicked me out. But after I saw that wouldn't happen, I could finally breathe. I breathing I did. And I decided I'd be a better friend, now that I knew I wasn't rotten from the inside. Here's what I did:

Tips for friendless adults who consider themselves awful

1. Realizing that you're socially not there yet

Seeing my two friends leave was not enough, I had to process what I had done to lose both friendships, and finally accept that I was not good company. I wasn't easy to deal with, I wasn't kind, I didn't know who I was and I put all of this on them for them to solve. In this step, you need to realize what exactly you did, why you did it, and why it's unfair. 

2. Realizing it isn't because you are bad at your core

I had a lot to unpack in this aspect. The Mormon church makes people feel bad for feeling sexual desire, and acting on it, and anything is seen as "acting on it". Reading smut, watching porn, consuming nude art, or having actual sex. But also, I had another layer of sexual shame: not only I am gay, but I'm also particularly horny as well. I was into my friends, and into teachers, and into women double my age. I was curious, and I knew that even among lesbians, what I was into was probably going to be questioned (I didn't fully know what kink was at the time). Now, at a deeper level, I was also not-white. I know that to the average white, I just look latina. But I'm actually Indigenous, Black and white. And according to Mormon lore, that makes me sinful. I had to unpack that too on top of everything else. So here I recommend that you understand your insecurities, your baggage and your past. The goal here is not to feel amazing about yourself, since that takes much longer. The goal is neutrality: I'm human, I'm ok, I deserve good things.

3. Figuring out who you are, why you are and what you need

This one has a lot to do with step one, now that you realized what you do wrong to offend, hurt or make kind people leave, you might need to do intense introspection to figure out why you are like that, what you need to do, what you need from life, and who you are through those needs (and wants). Many people wonder how to figure out who they are but it's kinda simple. You are your needs and your desires. And if you want to love who you are, you need to remove the shame from those needs and desires. 

4. Realizing that we all need community

This one is an important step for the loners. I know that putting yourself out there is a pain in the ass, when I was figuring myself out, I thought I needed to be lonely to fix myself, but I quickly realized that without practice, I'd never know if I'm a good friend, a good partner or a good person. I needed proof.

5. Realizing that it doesn't matter how marginalized you are, you can still find friends - although it will be harder

I put myself in such a position that I went from radical conservative to radical leftist in a couple of years, which is a transition that scares both sides a lot. Conservatives think you've become the devil, and leftists wonder if you really absorbed the message, or if you'll turn back to your conservative ways after having a minor disagreement. Now, living in Brazil, the most common flavor of leftism here is not the same as the flavor I am. Many leftists here are so focused on class, they think we should throw minorities under the bus so "Dona Maria" can vote for leftist candidates without having to accept trans people. And I don't want to bend to that sort of leftism, I'm afraid. Having friends that understand that I'm not white is another problem. In Brazil, if you're not Black, you're white. and that fake dichotomy hurts Indigenous people and Asians a lot, but mixed people like me have to essentially pick a side. And of course, most of us choose the whiter side: trying to pass as white as much as they can.

In sum, It's hard to have someone to talk to sincerely about my opinions without sounding like I'm fucking insane to most of them. Do I stop trying? No. Because I know I need people, everybody does.

6. Being a good friend (finally, the meat and potatoes)

a: don't scream, don't explode

If you learned to bottle your emotions and you were the kind of kid that screamed back at your parents (I was both), this is important to remember. Not only are you a jerk for screaming at people (I don't care if the fight is intense or if you're tired, btw), but people also have trauma about screaming. You don't want to be a reminder of their trauma, it doesn't matter how right it might feel for you to do so.

b: understand abuse 

This one is very related to step a. If you don't understand abuse, you're either going to be abused, or be an abuser. Of course, even people that are aware of abuse can fall into it, but the most vulnerable are the people that don't know about it in depth. You have to understand about financial abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and how these play out in real life scenarios, and also learn about the red flags that come with them. Abusers are not going around saying "let me scream at my girlfriend today because she deserves it". No, they get mad, don't know how to control emotions, think they're somehow justified, and do it without thinking. And then, sometimes, they realize what they did and ask for forgiveness and start lovebombing, to avoid being caught in their bullshit.

c: careful with "you" statements, especially "you are" statements. also with "your___ is"

Now this is the sort of thing that autistics especially need to pay attention to. Most of us have learned not to talk about people's bodies from a young age. But many of us don't realize that saying "you're talkative" can make someone shut down immediately as well. Furthermore, if their parents are abusive and you go "your mom is a bitch", guess who you're hurting, if your friend loves her mom? Yeah. This is something I struggle with til this day. I get protective of the people I like, and when someone THEY like say something iffy, I jump to protect them immediately, not realizing I could be hurting them too. This is how I started paying attention to "you are" statements. Everytime I associate someone to a characteristic, I have to pause, think, acess the risk of offending them, and finally, do it.

d: careful with what you laugh at 

Some people are very traumatized and sensitive towards being laughed at, or even with. Many autistic people have been in a situation where they thought they were laughing with someone, to only later realize they were being bullied. So if you're miss laugh at everything, like me, hold your fucking chuckles if someone is being vulnerable. If you chuckle a lot while having sex because you're giddy, but the other person is embarrassed, it's time to stop the chuckling, and ask what is going on. If someone is telling you their opinion about something that matters to them, don't laugh. Swallow that laugh if necessary, you need to take some shit seriously too.

d: listen: be genuinely curious

This might be the most important tip actually, it's one that you can start practicing right away, and you don't need to be deconstructed, therapized or even socially attuned to do it. Instead of talking about yourself, judging, giving shitty advice, or being uncomfortable, you can simply ask a question back, and carefully listen. What is it that you like doing? What is your dream job? Do you have quirks? What is your family like? - Let the person talk. It might sound superficial, but it's what makes people feel safe with you. You're curious about them, you care, you listen. They can come to you when they're feeling good or bad. And this is why I still maintained friends even while I felt like absolute shit and didn't know myself yet: I was curious about my friends instead.

e: compliments

This is also an easy one that doesn't seem that important. Do you know when someone you like talks to you about a random girl that complimented their hair that day? Do you know how it is to be complimented yourself? Sometimes one compliment makes someone's whole day, whole year or even a whole life. Someone who was never called a good friend (like me until I was 17) will be called a good friend once, and suddenly they realize they're making progress, they're being appreciated. We feel inspired to care about the things people compliment about us! That is a very powerful thing. And that is why it should be used with sincerity. Don't do it to aspects you find to not be true. Don't lie. Just genuinely appreciate people's beauty, effort, intelligences (because there are many kinds), compliment their pose, their shoes, their hair. We all live a richer life when we feel like people are admiring us, like we bring good things to the table. 

f: politics has a lot to do with self esteem when you are a minority

This one is relevant if you're the person that is autistic AND socially stunted. If you're gay, trans, Black, disabled, or any other minority as well -- Including the ones people consider to not be minorities but just "weird" groups, like kinky, furry, poly. Bottom line, you should probably be a leftist. And probably as much of a leftist as you can. Because conservatives fake liking us (when they even try to fake), and at least in leftist spaces, you can be seen with more humanity. It won't be perfect, but it will be better. The more contact you have with open-minded people, the less alone you will feel, and that's the point.

We all need people, we all want to feel loved, most of us want friends, most of us want romance, and a good chunk of us want sex too. All of that includes dealing with people and we're all here to learn, so don't let your beliefs hinder you completely, change your believes to free yourself instead.