this is messy

This is  gonna be a flow of ideas, no time to think, no time to edit. It is 16:44 and in twenty minutes, I will stop writing. 

I’m bored. And I know what happens when I’m bored. I cut corners. And that works, actually. Cutting corners makes me focus on what I want. But this time, it’s different. What I want is not what my guts tell me. And I don’t know if that's good.

I want to run from my friends. I want to end those pseudo relationships and find new ones, test new things. But what I actually need to do is to stay. I gotta stay and see how to keep relationships after things start to plato. 

But that’s hard! I don’t want to fight for my friends. I don’t want to be sorry or ask for people to be sorry for me. I don’t want to solve long lasting issues, I don’t want to ask myself what I should do to keep it healthy and sustainable. This is too complicated and I’ve never gone far enough to do these things. 

So, technically, I know this is the learning phase, this is the moment where I make mistakes, and maybe huge mistakes, because I’m not used to getting this far without ditching. But that’s exactly what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna stay.

I want to be rejected by them. I want to know if they’ll have the guts to do it. I want to know if they’ll just vanish from twitter some day or find an excuse to never talk to me again, like Ryann did! I want to be rejected over and over, so I’ll know if the reason I run from people is the fear of being rejected. Maybe it is! And maybe after being rejected a couple of times, I’ll develop thick skin and live, and get attached to people, with no fear of it ending. 

People don’t owe me anything! And you know what? That’s ok. This is about my relationship-keeping talents. 

Ok, so at 16:51, I had a five minute pause and now I’m back, at 16:56.

Going back to what I was talking about. 

They don’t owe me anything except for respect. And they do respect me. So whatever happens, I’m ok with it. BOOBIES.

Whatever happens, I’m ok.

I have to deal with the inconsistencies and contradictory aspects of people. I have to watch them get weird, and change. This is life. Expecting people to always want you around is childish and maybe too emotionally dependent. People need people, but they don’t need me in specific, they need people in general, and that’s good.

Being a human can be a weird, confusing experience and well, I don’t want to make people anxious. I want to help them chill, always. Unless… except when anxiety and fighting is better than the tension created by silence and constant happiness, If I have to go nuts, I’ll go nuts. Whatever they need, whatever I need, whatever we need. 

Conclusion, I gotta be there and also, I gotta pay attention to my friends, so I can learn what works and what doesn’t. Take notes about them, maybe even literally. Make them happy, make them comfortable, make them grow. It’s 17:03 and I’m tired of writing.