my body brings me discomfort, but I persist

This one is hopefully going to be a short essay, because I don't want to ruminate on things if ruminated on all my fucking life. I've been through so much shit with dieting, and honestly I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my body, and after the uterus removal, my belly straight up emptied like a balloon was under it. 

I tried so many diets, including the intuitive eating stuff. It was so so hard that I started adapting it. Now, I'm partially intuitive, partially planned. I have to admit that that I'm also going through a bit of gender dysphoria with my breasts. I know that I've always had dysphoria with it, but lately, I've been feeling it even more. Not sure why, but I have a theory it has to do with getting rid of my uterus.

For a while, I thought my discomfort with my uterus/periods was normal and a matter of accepting I was a woman. It's a feeling that, to be fair, many women go through, but I was especially comfortable with getting rid of it. I was even hoping to lose an ovary or two. I'm fine with it not having been the case, but I was also ok with losing one. Now, before getting rid of my uterus, I was already considering a double mastectomy. I feared it was a bit of a fatphobic crisis, or even a "I wanna be a child again" desire, and I assumed I had to do it for the right reasons... it had to be dysphoria, not about fatness, not about wanting to be a kid again. But I've been watching Devon Price (my favorite author) talk about that, and he taught me that there is no desire that is pure. You can want whatever you want, and if you go through a surgery because of that desire, all you need is a want. Trans people want to be hot too, some trans people do want to look youthful. Some trans people are in fact uncomfy with their chubby and fat bodies, and that affects how they see their chest. So yes, I decided that I will cut my tiddies off eventually. 

Just to be clear, I don't know when I will do it, or even if I will change my mind about it in the future. But I've wanted it and if I had the money to do it now, I would probably do a tummy tuck and then a mastectomy.

Additionally, I want those things gone because they bring cancer in. And I want to live a healthy life. Even though I'm not exactly healthy right now, I still would like to avoid the cancers that kill women the most. So yeah, I don't care if my intentions are not purely gender related.

Now, going back to the dieting and body image stuff... I have no idea how much I weigh. I'm fine with it, but also I would like to know. The worms in my brain want to know what the scale says and if it's good or not. The worms are telling me that I should go vegan again, and maybe even gluten free again. The worms try to convince me it's due to the endo, but really when I see them for what they want, they just want a thinner body. They just want to feel sexier, hotter, more desirable, they just want to see the muscles under the fat, the bones that appear when you get skinny enough. But then I have to debate the worms, and I go "hey, remember how shitty it was to diet? Remember going to sleep when you're hungry? Remember when you would fantasize about losing weight and never worrying about anything else? Remember when your low energy self went even lower energy?" and suddenly the worms calm down, and stay silent for a bit. But oh, how tough it is to control them. Every day, they whisper different things, and everyday I have to tell them to shut the fuck up.